• Cancer feels like…….

    Cancer feels like the bottom dropped out of your happy life temporarily.
    The baby in the picture shows exactly how I felt during the last few weeks:

    Happy, in spite of always getting bad news.











    I knew people were praying.

    I feel like in free fall between heaven and earth. Trusting, but totally oblivious as babies are.

    The pain and suffering: Only a crane can lift you up since one can’t even pray like normal or get good communication going with God.

    Here is the story what happened to me:

    My husband has been wonderful through the whole ordeal though I have to admit I hated to submit to him about the surgery. Had it been up to me, I would have called it quits and go home to be with God very happily since our children are all capable and raising our grandchildren quite capably going to heaven eventually. I had not necessarily chosen cancer to die, but we all know we can’t pick. But it wasn’t p to me as I follow God’s direction. My life was just “gravy” and I though my job on earth was done. All of us have to die and why not me? I have no health insurance (I will not contribute to insurance, which pays for abortion and euthanasia), we have not any savings to speak off, so I thought this was good enough to exit earth and go home.

    BUT my husband, some of our children and some friends were not taking that to be an answer to my cancer. So somehow the Lord dug up a very capable surgeon ( UNREAL!!! within a day!), who’s fee was less than a root canal and the surgery was on within a week (not long to contemplate and change heart).
    I knew it was God’s will and submitted, though I have NO clue how God will come up with the rest of the money for the tests and hospital, medication, 2 blood transfusion, anesthesiology and what else we will have to pay for.

    AND then with over 1000 people praying: WHY all the setbacks, where I most certainly did not glorify God?????
    First setback: The epidural anesthesia did not work after surgery and through 2, not just 1, but TWO 12 hour shifts the nurses could not figure out about my pain, why pressing the pain button did not bring results.
    So Friday morning when my doctor came, he finally figured out I had NO sedation ever since surgery. I was depleted so much, that he had to give me 2 blood transfusions. After two days, I recovered and was released without medication at my request. BUT when I came home I was coughing and sneezing and did request pain meds. Taking those pills send me in a vomiting spree for 3 days, ripping all my stitches. Good thing he stapled me up after surgery, else my guts would have been all over town.
    Finally, things were on the upswing after 10 days and then the gas hit with excruciating pain for another 3 days.
    Here we are still 3 weeks later: very carefully eating, enduring pain and my incision is still “dripping”, but nothing infected.

    10.6. 2015 I was reading Isaiah 51 – 58 this morning 3 weeks after surgery and first “real” quite communion time with God after surgery. Here is what the whole kid and caboodle God and I discussed.

    Why did I get cancer in the first place?
    Reason: My life has to reflect God much better…. no more overweight, no more eating like irregular meals with imbalanced food, which means I have to stop working so much and focus more on myself, not only my husband’s diet (he is terminally ill and also diabetic) of which I am the leftover eater since I hate to waste food.
    I treat myself too often with food, some not good for me because I do not like my husband’s health food all the time.
    I am a perfect candidate to increase my compassion and relate better to people because God has done already so many miracles for me, that I kind of come to expect not to suffer. I am taken it for granted, that people pray, ask God and get what they asked for, especially if it is obviously good for them. I understand God is not obligated to bless us, but He certainly has blessed me with His presence, His answering prayers and His loving care for me. It became very natural to walk on “easy street”= ask and it will be given, seek and you will find.

    And then I discovered: I had bitterness in my life. That of course, will cause us to have all kinds of disease. Oh, I am always forgiving, but YET there was a lot of bitterness and resentment that I carried without even knowing it. Those  attitudes will definitely make us sick. Please check your own heart. i did not even know I had it.

    Why on earth had I have this much pain???? AND WHY was God not intervening??????
    My prayer all along was for my husband to draw closer to God and finally take on the responsibility as a family leader ( he had the paychecks, but still did not show leadership). My husband has a good heart, good intentions, but he is NOT going to church, he is NOT reading his Bible, his prayer life is absolutely top secret and I doubt it was much higher than the ceiling= no judgment intended, but I can see the no fruits.
    My husband knows that I have a super high pain tolerance since he was there when I had contraction as our children appeared and he could see my pain peaked the charts on the birthing monitor. So he knows I am not kidding when I say it is unbearable.
    Praise God! He DID step in as an intercessor at the hospital, demanding something be done about my pain. He saw my stitches ripping and KNEW I am in trouble when I vomited the 3 days. AND he actually prayed for me several times.
    Now I say, if we please can keep up the meaningful out loud prayer and he agreed that that is the only way we can be in agreement. Cool.
    He also takes charge about the Oncologist meeting on Thursday, since I will not. We will see what that will do and how I have/ can / will submit to him as leader.
    I am grateful to God that it was me, where He “trialed” my husband and drew him closer in prayer, made him aware to REALLY pray, instead of his usual “now I lay me down to sleep” prayers. Trials like that could have involved another loved one, like our children and I would have hated for them to suffer to get my husband’s attention. And YES: God often withholds His blessings, because we do not want to change. God gives us choice, but in His mercy he also sets up circumstances to bring about beneficial changes which often bring pain at first. Or others suffer through our stubbornness as we insist on OUR ways. Then God will intervene and set things right as in my case. I am so happy to pray with my husband and submit to his leadership, instead of constantly have to set our spiritual pace.

    Thirdly God showed me the miracle that actually took place in this situation:
    I had this humongous cancer ( Adenocarcinoma is a type of cancer that forms in mucus-secreting glands throughout the body) growing in me for 3-5 years. It was 8.5 cm in diameter according to the pathology report, embedded in the wall of the colon. Which means all that time blood streamed to the tumor, went from there every place in my body. YET I have no cancer in my uterus ( cleared by GYN), where the tumor was right next to, no depleted white blood cells, no cancer trace in any 17 lymph nodes taken for biopsy, possibly cancer spores in the cavity of the fatty tissue of the belly.
    THAT is unreal!!!! I know it is a miracle and on Thursday I will ask the Dr. what he thinks about it, BUT I have to pay him $200 for the consultation. Rats!!!

    Fourth: I will take Turmeric or Curcumin to combat cancer, which is possibly in my guts. Also, a Godsent and I am grateful for His wisdom, since He knows I am sick of suffering.

    As I can sit longer at the computer I will write more and I also would like to crochet again soon. Have to complete my cancer hat pattern.

    Please bear with me and thanks for all your loving support.


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